Would You Date Yourself?

How I manifested my dream boyfriend.

I love making detailed lists of the things I want; homes, jobs, cars, clothes, men... When I write them, they always come to fruition, eventually. Probably because I’m a witch.

Many years back, I made a list of the kind of man I wanted to call in, to manifest, if you will. I poured over each item while imagining his future hands running up my thighs, getting all tingly as I tried to embody what it would feel like when he was physically real.

But I had to get real. Because even with all my magical witch powers, how could I ask for someone healthy when I chased Tito’s Vodka with a thin crust, extra sauce, extra pepperoni and extra-extra jalapeño Dominos pizza for breakfast? How could I expect someone to be successful when I was in the midst of losing it all, spinning out of control and work was replaced by six hour afternoon naps? Or someone available when I was in a near constant state of self abandonment and betrayal?

I may have been a mess, but I was smart enough to understand that to call in what I truly desired, I would have to become it. I know. You don’t like hearing that. You’ll give me examples of some girl who got “saved” and met her “forever-person” during her rock bottom. Or some loser guy who ended up with a high powered woman. But do you think those relationships are balanced and aspirational? Maybe they are. And maybe that can work for some people.

For me, that wasn’t the case. And even worse news… this knowing led to my being single for over eight years. (My actual length of time spent single is unknown due to some messy situation-ship situations pre-sobriety.)

But the worst was ultimately the best, as is usually the case. Because learning to be alone is a super power. Once you get into it, you may start enjoying it, thus you’ll never settle, never end up with the wrong person, and avoid all the drama, traps and distractions of being in a shitty relationship. During that self-reflective time, as corny as it sounds, I learned to love and treat myself with grace and kindness. And I worked relentlessly to become everything on my list. To become someone I would actually want to date.

On October 15, I wrote this new, updated list:

Before I hit publish, I read through it again to make sure I could honestly match everything I was asking for. Of course, the whole thing was kind of a joke. I didn’t actually think I would find this dream person. Not really. He was too good to be true, but I guess maybe that was how I felt about myself at this point. Finally, I had some hard earned self esteem. The list was released, and like everything I write, I forgot about it immediately.

A couple months later, while doing some admin type shit on my Substack, I stumbled upon it. I was dating someone kind of new, so the title piqued my interest. And when I read through it, I felt a little tingle in my spine, tiny hairs raising. Because, as far as I knew, he ticked every single box, like perfectly to a t. And a few weeks after that, I pulled it out and read it to him as we drove back to his place after a long walk on the beach. (Yep. We take long walks on the beach.)

I think he got scared. I think he’s still trying to figure out if he’s real, or if he only came to exist when I somehow magically created him with my mind and my words. But he still wants to date me, so it’s all good. Men should be a little bit afraid of us. Everyone should. There’s a fuck-lot of power in becoming a higher version of self.