Spilling My Guts (Through My Belly Button)

A difficult week in review

All week I’ve been feeling icky, overcome with an inner fear of being too much. Having too much trauma and being unlovable…. because secretly, deep down… maybe I’m a bad person. I think I’m probably not bad. Do bad people worry about being bad?

Life threw some interesting wrenches, forceps, hammers, and chainsaws into my tiny hands and I found ways to cope. I’ve changed. I’m fine. But as I work on my memoir, digging further into the excavation process, trying to understand the motives of my past self, I’ve uncovered some uncomfortable shit.

Thank goddess (kidding) I live in LA and have access to so many healers (serious).

So anyway, I get with my therapist and we are doing EMDR, talking about this present day feeling of unlovable-badness and as she taps on my knees, she asks me if I have an early memory this is attached to. My mind recalls something heavy, and then I go back further and find another heavy one but then I go back a little further and a tiny crystal of a memory appears, pe…