I Exclusively Dated Older Men
My history of dating old men and why I quit.
I’m seven years old. Davey Jones from the Monkees is my boyfriend and every day after school I come home, don the teal and gold belly-dancer-gypsy costume that my mom sewed for me, and practice making out with my pillow. I saw him French-kiss a belly-dancer-gypsy woman in the exact same outfit in his tv show on Nick at Nite, so I know what he likes. When I meet him, I’ll be ready.
My father is also on tv. When he’s not in the screen, I can hear his voice on the radio and I feel close to him. I learn that this is what to expect from a man. They should be larger than life, untouchable in a sense. Regular men in the real world seem dull to me. Especially the ones in my hometown of Minneapolis.
People my own age, also dull, immature and annoying. I hate it when anyone refers to me as a child or treats me like a a kid. I squirm when they say I’m cute. I’m not cute, I’m pretty. I’m not a baby. It’s frustrating, because even though I appear to be seven, I know I’m grown-up. I think and speak like one, read adult novels and I go to work like one. Yet here I am, trapped in this tiny frame. Wide awake all night staring at the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling, suffering from the pain of my growing bones.
As a young teen, my favorite book is Lolita. I am repulsed by Humbert Humbert, but something about his obsessive love and unwavering adoration for young Dolores—and the horrifying lengths at which he’ll go to keep her in his purview stirs an intense yearning in my bones. I want to be wanted. Desperately.
Where does this come from? Recently, in present day, I watch a psychologist on TikTok explain why a young girl might be attracted to an old dude. She says if her father is present she would never sexualize an adult man because she has one in her home, and understands what that relationships is meant to be. In fact, she’d be grossed out by the idea of romance with someone older. My dad is always on tour.
At fifteen, I’m introduced to a boy at the mall where I work. Instant sparks. He’s concerned about my tender age, because he is not a boy. He is a twenty-year-old man. His friends are in their 20s, as is his ex-girlfriend. No one is happy about our budding relationship, especially not our families.
