How to be Hot
At 43 years old, I’ve finally figured it out. Spoiler: it has NOTHING to do with your age.
If you’re a woman, you’re fucking beautiful. That’s all there is to it. No matter your age or body shape. You’re simply hot. Knowing you’re hot and owning it is what makes you extra, super scorching. It’s kind of easy for us girls. If you’re a man, you should probably study this list like the Bible. Here are some of my top tips and tricks that can help you feel your most fiery, sexy and desirable.
Sleep
8-12 hours a night. No less. The words beauty and sleep are synonymous for a reason. Do whatever it takes to catch those Zs. The room should be 62 degrees and the curtains best be total blackout. The bed is important. Invest in great bedding and pillows too.
I make a tincture of ashwagandha, lemon balm, l-theanine, melatonin and sometimes Xanax. That gets me to about 6 hours before I have to pee. The tincture makes me have to pee because it is mixed into water and drinking water before bed is notoriously problematic.
When you get up to pee, do not turn on the light or look at the phone. Feeling your way through the dark is part of the fun (both in this case and in life). You’ll go right back to sleep if you do this correctly.
Maybe you’re one of those lucky people that can just sleep, and if that’s the case, skip all the substances.
Sperm Face Masks
Everyone’s using salmon sperm but I just use my boyfriends. He eats a lot of salmon and other wonderful forms of protein. What really is the difference?
Moisturize!
Your skin should never, ever dry out. Face, body, hands, do whatever it takes to keep them moist and supple. Avoid beef tallow though. That’s weird.
Be sillier
This is a more genuine version of “you should smile more”. Playfulness makes you very hot.
Let go of archaic beauty standards created by old man perverts
Can we finally be done listening and catering to the desires of these creepy dinosaur fools? They’re nearly extinct, after all. Children are not hot. You must be an adult to be HOT.
Vitamin D
If you’re not getting enough sunshine, take the supplement. If you’re not getting enough dick… I’ll address this later.
Sunscreen
On your face every single day before you leave the house, rain or shine. I like Supergoop (sponsor me please). It’s not greasy and it has no smell.
Be more psycho
Be crazier. Or maybe just more bold and outspoken. That’s interesting, therefore hot. But still be nice to people.
