Forty Reasons I've Broken Up With Boys

A list

1. Didn’t like David Lynch. 

2. Refused to admit even the possibility of ghosts.

3. Asked if I wanted a “hot chocky”.

4. Put yoga toes and a retainer on after sex. 

5. Had a wife. 

6. Three dates in, told me when I get famous he’s still going to keep his instagram private ‘cause he doesn’t like all the attention. 

7. Insisted on bringing his dog over who then shit all over my house and when I smelled it I puked and then he puked. 

8. Ran up to me, grabbed my face, and started making out with it the first time we ever met irl. 

9. Said “that’s okay” when I told him my age. 

10. Transformed into a demon before my eyes. 

11. Transformed into a lizard right before me.

12. We took shrooms and I realized he was a robot and I am of the earth. 

13. Didn’t go down on me, ever.

14. Told me he was taking me to a surprise place and asked me to dress business casual. It was a play. Book of Mormon, no less.

15. Bought me lipstick two dates in cause he thought the shade would look good on me. 

16. Asked me to “kiss him down there”. 

17. Sent too many memes.

18. Kept doing magi…