Sometimes I steal vegetables from the grocery store. Just to feel something.
I’m secretly very competitive. You and I are probably in some kind of race or game in which I’m keeping score and winning and you have no idea. Unless you’re my good friend. I don’t compete with my peeps.
When I was in 9th grade, an 11th grade boy told me he loved me and would do anything for me. “Anything?” I asked. He said yes. So I told him to eat dirt. And he did. It was a huge turn off.
Thrice repeating numbers on license plates are coded signs from angels. They all have different meanings that the angels and I have agreed upon in advance. Please don’t send me away.
If you’ve found yourself obsessively and inexplicably drawn to me, I may have masturbated to your image. I feel like it’s creepy if a man says this but kind of cute for a woman to admit? (I’m sure I’ll hear about it if I’m wrong.)
I do lots of weird magic spells and they work.
Only recently, I began regularly wearing underwear. When I turned 39 I d…
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